my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
