Already got asked if we're dating
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
