I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
