i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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