Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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