I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
