She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
