I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You did what with his pubic hair?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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