Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
