we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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