It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
