This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
