I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
