dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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