i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I deserve this hangover.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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