i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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