I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
