yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
