Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
