So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
