ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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