i love accidental penises.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
