Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
