Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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