He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize