My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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