I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
