Michael Bay diarrhea
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
