I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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