Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
