After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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