Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize