I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
