Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
