just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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