I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
