How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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