I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
