I CAN MOONWALK!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
