I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
