I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
