i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
