can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
