remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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