hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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