Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
