I don't usually arrange sex via text message
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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