I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
