i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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