True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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