Got a toothbrush?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
