Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
