Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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