I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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