Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
