I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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