when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just googled if crying burns calories
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
