sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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