She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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