I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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