Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Someone came in the potted fern
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
